The fuehrer leader of the Catholic Church, Brigadier General J. Ratzinger held a press conference in St. Paul’s Cathedral (Rome, not London) yesterday and -to everybody’s surprise- took the blame for homosexuality and child abuse in the Catholic Church:

“I told my men ‘Go fuck yourselves!’…I didn’t think they would take that literally…sorry…my mistake!”

While Bishop Bernando Álvarez from Tenerife blamed the children themselves for “wanting to be abused” the Pope admitted, child abuse was his fault as well:

“I should have watched my mouth…when they asked me how the Catholic Church could help starving children in Haiti, I told them ‘fuck the children’…and so they did…they only followed my orders, as this has been a long tradition in Germany…”

When asked if the affair could lead to his resignation as Pope, he replied:

“I might very well resign as Pope of the Catholic Church…in fact, I have just received offers from both the Taliban and the Church of Scientology to become their CEO…but I am still considering the options…”

cd

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